Three weeks ago I got an upper respiratory infection. I have had respiratory infections before, but this last one was a wake up call. I thought I was going to die. The congestion was so bad I thought I would suffocated. Sleep apnea kept me up most of the night.
I know my unhealthy lifestyle brought me to this point. I am fat. Very fat. I am tired of feeling fat, feeling restrained, feeling like I am going to suffocate, and most of all tired of being afraid to die. My breasts and my stomach get in my way all time. I can't climb stairs without being short winded. My back hurts. I suffered from acid reflux up until 2 and 1/2 weeks ago when I changed my eating habits. I hate looking at myself in the mirror. I hate shopping for clothes.
That respiratory infection was my lowest point, I had my aha moment and now I am on my way to good health.
I will be 50 years old this year and I want the rest of my life to be quality years. My dad has diabetes and high blood pressure. I know that I was headed down that road and I don't want to go there. I am choosing the healthy path, steep as it might be and this decision will change my body to reflect the beauty I possess on the inside.
I have not weighed myself. It is not to avoid the truth. This was a conscious decision. I know that if I eat healthy and exercise, my weight loss will happen naturally. I will let my body tell me how much is enough. I will not let a set number on a scale define healthy for me. I feel my body, I know my own body, I hear its messages and I will no longer ignore its warning and cry for help. My body wants to live, I want to live..healthy. I will know healthy by how it feels to me. When I can sit in a chair without squirming because it is too small for my butt, when I can climb stairs without being out of breath, when I can sleep through a night without breathing problems, when I can look at myself in the mirror without cringing, then I will be healthy enough for me.
People don't realize that this is 9o percent mental. I am overweight because if my mental addiction. The advice is if you JUST eat smaller portions or cut the carbs or exercise, blah, blah, blah. I want to scream, get a clue people. Can the gambler just stop? Can the alcoholic just stop? Can the drug addict just stop? My addiction is out there for all to see everyday, I can't hide it and because if this people judge or criticize. Fat disgusts people. They don't see me, they see the fat first. Whatever. I am not doing this for anyone but myself. I deserve a better quality of life.
So, the journey began with a revelation. At a point in my life, when I was a child, eating and overeating was a survival mechanism. In order for me to survive the pain I felt, I turned to food for comfort. Food was always there. The second revelation is that I have a fear of death and if I get fat, I will be so big my presence will be known, I will not dissapear. The thought process is faulty, nonetheless, it was there. Unfortunately what served as protection from pain or death as child is now a vehicle for my destruction. I peel back the layers of the onion on a daily basis to uncover the faulty concepts, reveal the truth as to why I am fat, to know myself and how I got to this point.
I blog for clarity, for
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